Razane

My dear, my Razane, my baby,

Since I fell in love with you, life has not been the same. And I mean that in the most real way possible, not as something people just say, not as poetry, but as a fact I believe in. Before you, I was not living. I was existing. Moving through days like a ghost who had forgotten he was dead. A vessel with no one inside. I had learned to perform humanity so well that most people never noticed the absence behind my eyes but I noticed. I always noticed. I was a hollow thing dressed up in the shape of a person, an ugly person, and I had made my peace with that. I had even convinced myself that this life wasn't worth living, that I would just see it through, fulfill my role and let everyone get their use out of me, and then I would end it. I had it planned out, a mysterious (hehe I'm cool) log off the game somewhere around 25 or 27, once my purpose was served and my role was fulfilled.

Then you came. And something cracked open.

For the first time in longer than I can remember, I felt something. Not pain, I was used to pain, I had been swallowing it for years without even realizing it was there, just accepting it as being alive. But this time it was different. It felt warm, cute and sweet. It was emotions, I can't really explain how strange it was to feel that after being numb for almost my entire life, it was a new experience I never thought I needed. My entire emotional system had been offline for years, and you just walked in and revived it. I don't fully understand how you did it. Actually I do. You're just perfect.

I was alone for so long, Razane. Not alone in the way that's visible. I had people around me, friends, family, people who called me close. But there was always a wall, always this gap between me and everyone else that no one could cross no matter how near they stood. I felt used. I felt like a function, a tool more than a person, something to be needed, something to be called upon, some person to bring up just for the sake of a "self image".

You are the first person who ever made that gap fade away and disappear.

I hold your heart more carefully than I have ever held anything. I'm terrified of dropping it. I love you so much that the fear of losing you sometimes paralyzes me, and in that panic, I know I mess up. I know I hurt you sometimes, and the guilt of that eats me alive. I feel so guilty for the times I've harmed you by accident, when all I ever wanted to do was protect you. And then this dread creeps in, this horrible thought that I'm going to be the reason you leave, that I'll be the one who messes up so badly that I'm not enough, and I'll lose you because of me. It's a constant fear that I am not enough, I really know I am not enough.

You matter to me in a way that rearranges things, in a way I am still learning how to carry. I am still learning how to be someone who feels this much, because for a long time feeling this much wasn't something I allowed myself. But you make me want to try. You make me want to be a real person, not a performance of one, not something assembled from routines and defense mechanisms (numbness), but an actual present feeling human being. You are making me one.

I really love you. From the deepest place in me, my heart, the place I kept locked for years not because I thought no one would want it, but because it was only ever meant for you. Every part of me adores you, every single cell. You are so beautiful Razane. Not just in the obvious way, though your face. Your face. The way you smile and bite your face when you're shy, how you look away and then look back with that side eye that absolutely melts me. The way you pretend to be annoyed or mad as a joke, when you talk about something you love and get so excited your whole face lights up. You melt me every single time, like I haven't seen it so many times already, like it's always the first.

And your eyes. Your eyes deserve their own letter, babe. I want to look at them for the rest of my life and I genuinely believe it still wouldn't be enough time. One day when you're not looking away like a shy little princess, when you trust that you can hold my gaze without needing to hide, I am going to look at you and not let go. As I tell you I love you, as we kiss and crazily make out, I'll always be staring at your eyes.

I think about our future more than I probably admit. Two or three years from now, the life we're building toward even on the days when I feel like we won't survive this. The villa that's just ours, just us, no noise, no expectations, no performing for anyone. Just you and me and the quiet we've both been aching for. I want to kiss you slowly. I want to hold you like you're the most important thing in the room, because you always are. I want to spend completely ordinary days with you and feel like the luckiest person alive. Because I will be. Because I already am, after all you chose me.

I know life feels heavy right now. I know it feels like too much sometimes, all the times. dark and exhausting and longer than it should have to be. I know that feeling, I live inside it too, not as much as you. But I need you to know that I am not asking you to carry it alone anymore. I am right here, in this with you, every hard day and every dark season and every moment when everything is asking more than we think we have. I am not going anywhere.

We are going to make it out alive, you and I. Even though it sounds hard and not guaranteed, I'll choose to believe that. And when we do, you're going to get shocked by my tight hugs and kisses <3 (hehe evil)

You are my reason. Why I exist. My whole entire reason. My purpose. My baby. My sweetheart. My adorable sweetheart. My pretty girl. My beautiful lady. My awesome person. My significant other. My dear. My beloved. My cute cookie. My elegant gentle kid. The kindest soul I met. The person whose eyes I fell in love with. And the only person I fell in love with. The only person I adore. The only person I cherish. The only person I want to be side by side with for the rest of my life. My future wife. My world. My everything. And most importantly... mine... mine... MINE.

I love you more than I can say. More than I'll ever stop trying to say.

Completely and forever yours,
Miro

Dear, My Dearest Razane, whose heart I hold so dearly,

I've been staring at this page trying to find the right words and I don't think they exist but I'll try anyway.

I am sorry. I am so deeply sorry for every word I said that hurt you, every moment I was too harsh, too careless with the most precious person in my life. You carry so much already and I added to that weight and it haunts me. You deserved someone as perfect as you but you only got me.

Before you, I was empty. Drifting through life feeling like nothing has meaning, a shallow shell used by everyone, I was planning to end it. Then came you. And everything changed. You gave me a reason to want more, to feel more, to try and be more. You saved me from this never ending emptiness, from myself. You became my meaning, my world, my everything... mine.

I am obsessed with you. I am crazy about you. I am completely and utterly insane when it comes to you, and I don't want to recover.

And your eyes, Razane. Your eyes. I can't explain what happens to me when I look at them, I want to stare at them for eternity and it still wouldn't feel enough, your smile, your nose, your entire face. You are so beautifully, insanely pretty and I don't think you have any idea what you do to me by just existing. You are my world. My only. My wife, my little sweet innocent lovely angel who I would die for.

I love you. I adore you. You are the air I breath, and I mean that in the most literal way. Without you I would cease to exist.

♡ نحبك رزان

— Completely & only yours, Miro

My dearest Razane,

Technically I'm not writing you a letter right now.

I'm coding one 😭

Instead of sitting down with actual paper like a normal person in love, I'm typing my feelings to you inside VS Code, a program made for writing scripts and definitely not for me failing to explain how insanely in love I am with my wife 😭

But honestly? it kind of fits.

Because if I could actually code my feelings, there's no variable big enough to hold them.

local myLoveForRazane = ...

Yeah.

That would just crash the memory.

There's no finite value for how much I love you. [ that was pretty autistic to say but i hope it worked, beautiful ;) ]

And I know I've said it before.

I've called you beautiful. My sweetheart, my pretty girl, my beloved, my future wife, my other half, my everything. I've thrown every soft word I could find at you.

But lately I keep thinking about something.

"I love you" doesn't cover it anymore.

You're not just someone I love.

You're someone I'm attached to in a way that scares me a little.

Your presence has become familiar to my heart, and if you weren't there I honestly don't know what I'd do with myself.

When something good happens, you're the first person I want to tell. When something bad happens, same.

You're my other half and I can't explain it better than that. You're what completes me, you're what makes me feel alive, you put color in my life.

And it's not because you're like me.

It's because you're you. You think your own way, you have your own personality, your own beautiful mind, and somehow all of it fits me perfectly.

I don't want another version of you.

I want you.

The exact girl who makes me smile at my screen like an idiot and giggle like a tsundere.

The exact girl whose messages can flip my entire mood in one second.

The exact girl whose voice I could listen to forever.

The exact girl whose eyes I get lost in without noticing how much time passed.

The exact girl I chose.

And the exact girl I'd choose again. And again. And again.

It's honestly a little insane how much I want you in my life.

And I don't mean your attention, or talking to you.

I mean your presence. Your warmth. Your laugh. Your arms around me, your hand in mine, your head resting on me, your eyes meeting mine.

I want all of it and I'm not even embarrassed about it.

I want a whole life of moments with you. The big ones, and also the completely useless ones nobody else would care about. If you're there, I'll care.

You make boring things matter just by being in them.

And I need to be honest about how deep this goes. This isn't just love, it's wired into me. There's no version of me, in any timeline, that could unlove you. It's not an option. My heart is permanently configured to you. A life without you doesn't even work as a thought, it just doesn't compile.

I'm pretty sure a therapist would be worried about me. They'd sit there with the notepad and slowly realize this isn't a crush or a relationship, it's a full obsession, the devoted kind. And I don't want to be fixed. I don't want to be cured. I want more of it. I want to be so hopelessly yours that there isn't a part of me left that you haven't claimed.

I admire your beauty, obviously.

Your face is genuinely unfair, it's like a cheat code. Sometimes looking at you makes me insecure, because how did I get someone like you to love me?

Your eyes especially. I could stare at you for an absurd amount of time and still feel like I hadn't looked enough.

But it's not only your face.

It's you behind it. Your mind, your personality, the way you talk, the little details in how you say things, the stuff you get excited about, the faces you make without realizing, the way you're adorable without even trying.

There are so many things about you that I adore that I couldn't list them all without turning this letter into a light novel.

And knowing me, I probably would one day 😭

You're not someone I admire from a distance anymore.

I cherish you. I treasure you. I adore you. I want you.

And maybe my favorite part of all this is how much closer we've become.

You trust me more. You gave me the privilege of being closer to you.

I don't think you understand how precious that is to me. I don't take it lightly, not even a little. The fact that you can drop your guard with me, show me more of your heart and know I'll be careful with it, that means more than I can properly explain (and I'm clearly trying).

And I love how weve grown. Theres a kind of closeness you only get from knowing someone for a long time.

Your habits. What makes you laugh. Your expressions. Knowing exactly what you're feeling from the smallest change in your tone.

I want more of that. I want to know you for years, then decades, then long enough that we become those old people nobody has ever seen apart.

Because that's how I want to love you. Completely, with all my might and heart

And since we're being honest with each other...

I also want to love you in all the less innocent ways that make me grin like an idiot when my thoughts wander a bit too far :3

I'll be thinking something perfectly normal like "god, she's so beautiful" while looking at you, and about three seconds later my brain has gone somewhere very different 👉👈

And then I sit there acting innocent.

I'm not. You know I'm not :d 👉👈

You're my favorite temptation. My favorite distraction. And you do it without even trying.

You know that one look from you deletes whatever intelligent sentence I was building.

That's unfair. You're too beautiful for my own good. I'm so blessed that I get to see you, my goddess. I want to worship you for as long as I live.

And yes, I adore your sweet innocent side.

But I also adore the side of you that knows exactly how to tease me. The "oh, you're doing this on purpose" side. The side that makes me want to pull you closer and say things in your ear that definitely don't belong in a letter supposedly written by an innocent programmer.

I love wanting you. I love that little spark when we get playful, the teasing, the tension, the moments where one of us says something questionable and the other one instantly knows exactly what was meant.

And I especially love the moments where it stops being teasing and goes completely filthy. The things we've said to each other, the things we've imagined, the things we've admitted... god, Razane. We can wreck each other with nothing but words. That's insane to me.

Wanting you this badly and having to wait is torture, but somehow it only makes it sweeter. Every fantasy, every shameless thought, every promise about what happens when we're finally together just stacks on top of the last one.

And honestly? I love that we have that side too.

The innocent side where I just want to hold you and stare into your eyes.

The affectionate side where I want to cover you in kisses and make you laugh.

And the dirty side where I take away your ability to breathe and even walk :d and make you moan my name 👉👈

Those moments are ours.

I'm attracted to you, Razzie. Very, very attracted to you.

Your beauty gets me. Your personality gets me. Your affection completely disarms me.

My beloved, I adore your heart. Your mind. Your personality. Your face. Your eyes. Your smile.

And I absolutely adore that you can make me lose my composure with nothing but a look.

You're somehow the person who makes my heart go soft and the person who makes my brain forget how to function.

What a combo. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I want you.

Not in some temporary way. I want you in my life.

I want to wake up knowing you're there.

I want your voice.

I want to hold you and kiss you and be kissed by you.

I want to make you laugh.

I want to annoy you until you tell me to shut up so I can say "make me" and let you shut me up with those soft lips.

I want to watch you trying not to smile.

I want to memorize the tiny things you do without noticing.

I want the kind of closeness where reaching for you is automatic. Where your hand finds mine on its own. Where you lean on me without thinking. Where we can sit in complete silence and still say everything.

My Razzie.

I love you.

With tenderness. With admiration. With devotion. With desire. With every single bit of my heart, body and soul.

I love being yours. And I love that you're mine.

My other half. My beloved. My beautiful girl. My favorite person. My sweetheart. My favorite temptation. My future.

My Razane.

You have my heart, my devotion, my attention, my affection.

You have me. All of it.

And I don't want it any other way.

Completely, hopelessly, shamelessly yours :d

Miro ♡